[JPL] Jazz Videos Response to you.
Basso at aol.com
Basso at aol.com
Wed Aug 23 16:26:49 EDT 2006
Try _www.umbriajazz.com_ (http://www.umbriajazz.com)
That did it! Thanks.............Joe
"AND GOD CREATED JAZZ"
And Noah didst tremble, saying, "Lord, why hath thou wakened me?"
And the Lord did say, "Noah, build me a jazz band. For the earth will be
visited by a plague of Brides, followed by forty days of Trade Shows and forty
nights of Awards Banquets followed by Rock & Roll and Country/Western Music.
They will all be jazz oblivious. This pleaseth me not and so we must invent
And Noah didst say, "Command me Lord."
And the Lord didst say, "First, thou must find me a leader."
And Noah replied, "But Lord, will I not be thy leader?"
And the Lord sayeth; "Fool, thou will be my contractor. Ask not why!"
And Noah didst bow his head, saying, "Yes my Lord. And what instrument will
the leader play?"
And the lord said, "It matters little whether he play or not, or whether he
be proficient or not. For his job shall primarily be to schmooze, and to deal
with clients, and to count the tempos wrong, and to inquire as to whether
overtime will happen, and to try to segue tunes that should not be segued. If he
playeth any instrument, thou must always have another player of that
instrument in the band just to be safe."
And Noah didst say, "And what else shall this leader do?"
And the Lord replied, "It shall be his job to spread bad information and
confusion amongst the sidemen and to pit them one against the other, and to
delay all payments "Further shall it be his job, until we can afford a soundman,
to create feedback, and to invent new equalization."
And Noah didst shake his head in wonder, saying, "Lord, thy ways are strange
and mysterious. What more shall I do?"
And the Lord said, "Next, find me a Rhythm Section. First, find me a
drummer. And three things above all must this drummer possess."
"First, this drummer must have slightly imperfect time, so that whenever he
playeth a fill (and he shall play many), he always emergeth at a different
place, but thou may not guess which, nor where 'one' now is." "And second, he
must be supremely discontent, always hoping for the Big Break which will lead
him to playing with Wedding Bands or for other high paying gigs, so that he
secretly despiseth jazz." "And third, he must always be convinced of his
righteousness, in all things, including time, volume, tempo and feel, so that he
argueth always with the leader and the bass player."
And Noah didst say, "Bass player?"
And the Lord didst say, "Yes, Bass player He shall be bored. That is All."
And Noah didst say, "Of course. And next, my Lord?"
And the Lord did say, "Next shall be the Keyboard Player. And he shall play
as if he has twenty fingers, and he shall play substitute upon substitute,
until no man may name the chord, and he will not be helpful. Furthermore, he
shall always be late. And he shall always be trying out new gear of which he has
And Noah didst wonder aloud, "Lord, Great is thy wisdom!"
And the Lord didst wisely continue, "Next shall be the Guitar Player and he
shall be loud, and he shall sing off key. Also shall he know not The Page, and
so shall rely upon his ears, which have been damaged by exposure to high
sound pressure levels. For guitar players who read shall already being playing
shows, and will be making the big shekels. And his uniform shall be the
And the Lord didst say, "Next thou shall need Horns."
"First shall be Saxophones and Clarinets. And they shall either be Beboppers
who play Bird quotes in every song, yea, even the ballad medley, or copiers
of Johnny Dodds and Sidney Bechet. They shall get drunk and high on every
break, chase but never catch women, and make long faces all night long, but
especially when "Bill Bailey" is called."
"Next, shall be the Trumpeters. And they shall every one attempt to take
everything up an octave, and fail frequently. And of changes they shall know
"And finally shall be the Trombone Player. And many jokes will be made about
him, for he will have a beeper that never beeps, as well as a day job, and
he will be the first to be cut from the band."
And Noah, taking many notes, didst say, "Mighty is the Lord!"
"Next, shall be the String Player. He will attach pickups to his violin that
is more ancient even than myself, so that the instrument screecheth and
causeth great pain. His job shall be to dress in foppish clothing with hair in a
pony tail, to fake parts, and to complain about the volume and the intonation,
and to impede the swing."
And Noah didst say, "What can be left, Lord?"
And the Lord didst say, Finally, find me the singers." "And they shall be
two, one male and one female." "And the male shall be a strutting peacock, with
girlie man hair, and he shall never have to wear the tuxedo, and also shall
play the harmonica."
"The female shall ALWAYS sing the power ballads, and the novelty songs. She
shall sing backup for the male, and forget the words, and be late, and know
nothing of keys or form." And together, they shall leave every gig immediately,
having never touched a piece of equipment."
"And they shall be paid more shekels than the sidemen. Ask not why."
And the Lord continued: "Together they shall be melded into a dissonant band
that plays mysterious polyrhythmic music called Jazz. It shall grow to
immense proportions in New Orleans amongst sinners, whorehouses and honky tonks
several millennia from now. But fear not within a 100 years from birth, it shall
be played in Churches and other places of high learning. And it shall be
called art. Go figureth."
And the lord didst command him, "Search high and low for these, as not every
musician can fulfill these requirements. And though we have no work yet, a
commitment must be secured from all. And while you're at it, start looking for
And Noah didst say, "Lord, thy will be done."
What you do today is important because you are exchanging a day of your life
for it. Make it a good one!
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